That’s What Ya Get!
Kowalski’s Assertions

Meet Kowalski in Person

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Kowalski’s been living in England for many years, and he’s still trying to get to grips with it. Life, that is. England he’s got sewn up.

The author says: I don’t know where Kowalski came from. He started talking at the first line of the first story, and when he’d finished, I thought that would be it. Kowalski thought different.

In these 40 tales, all told by Kowalski himself in his inimitable fashion, plus an exclusive peek into his correspondence, this curmudgeonly old New Yorker living in England with his long-suffering wife Mildred, ‘that’s my old lady,’ takes us on a hilarious outsider’s tour of contemporary life, from the frustrations of petty regulations, to the maddening irrelevancies of public information; from the complexities of race relations and green politics, to the incomprehensibilities of personal relationships, geo-physical temporalities, and fishing! Most of all he struggles, without the trace of an accent, to negotiate the minefields of ambiguity and the whirlpools of double-meanings, that constitute the English language.

About the Author: Brindley Hallam Dennis has won awards and prizes for his writing. His stories have been published, broadcast and performed – Kowalski began as a series of monologues for performance. He lives in Cumbria within sight of Criffel, Skiddaw, and Cross Fell and a sliver of Solway Firth.

That’s What Ya Get! is illustrated by Alex Halfpenny, a graphic designer specialising in multimedia and promotional material although his true love lies in illustration, balancing drawing and painting with design. With perhaps a little too much of Kowalski in him, Alex lives in Cumbria and loves a Jack with ice.

Praise for the author’s live performances of his Kowalski monologues:

When ya can get That’s What Ya Get! get it.
Norman Hadley, The Lunecy Review

Brindley Hallam Dennis stepped to the mic and became Kowalski. An outspoken, crotchety, New Yorker with a fund of tales of escapades with Mildred ‘she’s my old lady’. Dennis’ glorious performance brought Kowalski truly and uproariously alive, and I’d love to hear more.
Kevin McVeigh, Lancaster Spotlight Club

Book details:
ISBN 978-0-9558360-7-7
A5 / 148mm x 210mm
104 pages
With b&w line drawings
~~RRP £10.65~~
Our price £7.65 + post & packing
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Also available as a download in PDF format – price £4.00
File size 0.86MB

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EXTRACTS FROM THAT’S WHAT YA GET!

Ya wanna know what I think?
+++++A course ya doan. Why the hell would ya wanna know what I think? It doan make no difference ta you. It doan mean a damn thing anyway. Whadda you care whether I do or not? Whadda you care whether I did? Whadda you care whether I’m gonna? It ain’t no skin off’n yore nose. It ain’t no meat outa yore pot.
+++++Whadda ya mean, tell ya anyway? What sorta screwy idea is that? What the hell’s the pointa me tellin’ ya what I think? Ya doan even know who I am. Ya doan even know where I’m comin’ from. Ya doan even know whether I’m one a them, or one a us, so how ya gonna work out whether what I’m sayin’s worth a row a beans, or whether it’s worth tiddly squat?
+++++Ya see, that’s what ya get! That’s what ya get when ya doan know who ya talkin’ to. Ya get a load a words ya doan know the value of.
+++++(Kowalski Confrontational)

+++++I says, Hank, we got shuteye time, between ten pee em an’ eight in the mornin’. Ain’t ya ever heard a that? He says, that ain’t what I wanna know. Well a course it ain’t, I knows that. I says, Hank, we got British Summer Time. He says, you get that all year round? I says, no, we doan get it all year round. That would be stupid. He says, when’s yore British Winter Time start? I says, we doan get no British Winter Time. He says, whadda ya get instead? I says, we gets Greenwhich Mean Time. That sure shuts him up.
+++++He says, whatever time you got you bin away too long bro. I says, I likes it over here. It’s a civilised part a the world, leastways, for the time bein’. He says, civilised? Why, yore livin’ among a bunch a savages. I says, whadda you know about it? He says, I seen the TV news.
+++++He says, ya got MacDonalds?
+++++I says, sure we got MacDonalds.
+++++He says, ya got Starbucks?
+++++I say, sure we got Starbucks.
+++++He says, ya got KFC?
+++++An’ I’m beginnin’ to think maybe he’s got a point.
+++++(Kowalski & The Changing of the Guard)